You are dating a new guy, and he seems to be so into you… until all of a sudden, he’s not.
And because you just don’t get his behavior and cannot find answers for it, you start blaming yourself for his actions.
(It’s never your fault!)
Yet it is challenging to figure out why men go hot and cold out of the blue. Luckily for you, you are reading the words of an experienced woman who knows a thing or two on why men go hot and cold.
There is no doubt that you’d get confused when he’s all about you one minute, and then he withdraws his attention and emotions the next.
He’s shifting from hot to cold, acting like nothing’s changed while you are eating yourself alive, wondering what you did wrong.
Well, sister, let me tell you something, it is nothing that you did wrong (unless you betrayed him or someone he loves).
Men usually start off a relationship by coming on strong. Yep – they start off burning hot, no matter who they are.
Men are wired to come on strong – but then some men will unfortunately switch to ice-cold, without any warning.
Trying to “have a talk” to him about it is usually a dead end game. He’ll either be surprised by your accusations or look for some lousy excuse to justify his “bipolar” attitude.
(Because guys don’t feel like they can gain any benefits from tuning into their feelings. So they often aren’t even aware of how they’re behaving or what they are feeling).
We want to spare you a further headache, so let’s take a closer look at what might be the reasons why men go hot and cold.
Why Men Go Hot And Cold?
#1: He Struggles With Something Outside of the Relationship
Men are the opposite of us. They don’t become emotional nor need to talk to ten friends when they have struggles in life.
They usually choose to solve their issues internally, and for most of the time, that means withdrawing from the relationship without any explanation.
Again, don’t blame it on yourself. Men deal with personal issues differently than we do as women.
It doesn’t mean he won’t ever share his feelings. He simply needs time to figure things out on his own, and may get back to you after the storm is over.
The best thing you can do in those moments is one of three things:
- Do nothing. Let him figure it out on his own, men feel more secure when they solve their issues without you interfering.
- Reach out by letting him know you’re here. But don’t make it sappy, because as a guy he may not connect with sappy. Just say a simple line: “Hope you’re all good. Here if you need me.”
- Use the art of high value banter. This is a “dark feminine art” taught by the well loved dating coach, D.Shen. With high value banter, you can send a one-liner text message that is aimed at piquing his interest in you and capturing his undivided attention.
CLICK Here to Learn the ONE thing you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say!
You can also learn the art of playful banter with guys in this article by The Feminine Woman.
Most of all, try your best not to take his attitude personally.
Do your things, live your beautiful life, enjoy yourself, and chances are he’ll start missing you. When he misses you, he may get back to you all nice and loving as he was before.
Just remember to be patient and avoid asking 1,000 questions.
What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? CLICK Here to Find out!
#2: He Is Slowing Things Down With You
One of the reasons why men go hot and cold is to slow things down.
When they’re in love at the beginning and your relationship starts with the speed of light, it feels all nice, right?
But truth be told, the speed cannot be sustained long-term, and one or both of you know that something there’s not right.
It’s unhealthy to begin a relationship too fast if you know what I mean. You’ve probably experienced this before yourself: a guy comes on strong, and it feels nice to have all this attention from him.
But those guys burn out fast. And that’s why you should always be worried when men come on strong.
After a while, they start crawling back towards their comfort zone, and that’s when you start suffering from the ice-cold wave.
So maybe he wants to avoid the inevitable crash-and-burn that comes with starting off too strong.
See, it’s not that he’s not into you anymore, he just wants to meet you on a different level, less intense.
As I said earlier, it’s not healthy to move too fast at the beginning because no matter how exciting that fire is, it is not sustainable.
So now he turns cold, slows down, and wants to have a realistic look at your relationship.
The only thing you can do here is to be a master of patience and stay attuned to him and where he’s at.
Keep your feet on the ground and show him that you’re fine with the slowing down. Do NOT panic.
#3: He Doesn’t Like You Enough
Ouch! There is no other way to say this, but it’s better to face it sooner than later. It’s the worst scenario we can imagine, but sometimes it’s the reality.
And that’s ok. No matter how hot you are, some men just won’t “get” you, nor value your presence in their life.
It’s not you – it’s them.
Yes, he finds you attractive, yes he thinks you’re awesome, yes you share the same values, but he is not completely into you. Why is that?
He just can’t see a future with you. He might think that you are a great person, but maybe he doesn’t fully get some of your personality traits.
We are all different, and that’s a fact. If a guy doesn’t like you, it’s not because something’s wrong with you or him. He just doesn’t fully click with you, but he decided to give you a try anyways.
Now he has realized you’re not his perfect match, but you know what? He’s not your perfect match either, although you choose to believe so because you like the idea of an ideal romantic couple.
Look:
If you look at his behavior overall, and his behavior shows that he’s more cold than hot, then it’s clear that he decided to go in a different direction.
Don’t pressure him, and don’t beg him to stay – you will only regret that action later on. Move on with your life by adjusting your feelings to the current reality.
It’s much better than making a fool out of yourself or being clingy to someone who isn’t into you, wouldn’t you agree? You’ll save your sanity and it will save you from acting low value, trust me.
CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report. (Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
#4: He Is Playing It Cool
OK, so we don’t like to play mind games. But maybe prince charming does.
Men are famous for hiding how they truly feel. Even more, some guys might play it cool just to provoke a reaction from us.
Why would he do this?
- Because he’s testing you.
- Because he wants to spice things up. Yes, one of the reasons why men go hot and cold is because they are exhibiting their playfulness. Cat and mouse games always spice things up. Although he enjoys the game of hunting, he sometimes wants to be the object of desire that you run after.
If you’re wondering whether this is positive or negative – the answer is that it really depends on the guy.
Some guys are downright controlling and want you eating out of their hands (we will talk about this type in the next point). Others just want to see how far you’ll come to them.
It’s human! No matter how much we think men should be the ones to chase, men are human too. And it’s a fact of life that men also enjoy feeling desired, and want to see that you’re also willing to invest in him or reach out to him.
So perhaps he is just playing and wants to grab your attention. He takes his time to reply to your texts or he waits to see if you will reach out.
As long as he’s not doing it because he’s a toxic control freak, it’s ok.
You can kind of see this as a ‘test’ from him to see if you’ll care enough to reach out.
To get past this kind of hot and cold behaviour, I highly encourage you to try playful banter, for two reasons:
- Because playful banter allows you to put HIM on the backfoot, see if he’s a narcissist and test his real intent.
- Because it’s a value-adding way to connect with him.
#5: He Is Keeping The Ball in His Court
Now we’re talking about the super controlling guy.
You might be shocked, but one of the reasons why men go hot and cold is to make you want them more.
It’s frustrating, I know. But it happens too often.
The thing is that this guy knows how much you like him, and he’s now going to be mean by playing hot and cold, but much more towards the icy edge.
Related: When A Guy Acts Interested Then Backs Off: Why & 6 Powerful Things to do.
He’s ruling his game, and he can tell that he’s driving you crazy. He enjoys it. You are skyrocketing his ego, and he feels good about himself.
So, he won’t just up and leave you completely. But you won’t be happy with him in your life either.
He knows that the colder he goes, the more you’ll chase him and want him to be hot.
His behavior makes you want him even more, but where are your limits? How far can you go to get his attention?
Be aware that once he gets full control over you, it’s hard to get the ball in your court again.
#6: He Is Seeing Someone Else
It’s not fair, I know. But consider this option as well if you don’t know why he is blowing hot and cold.
If his feelings and attention are not consistent (perhaps he is evasive or disappears and reappears) and there is no other explanation, then he is probably doing the same thing to someone else.
This one is probably the hardest to accept, but life can admittedly be harsh sometimes.
If he has a mixed approach towards you or he becomes suspicious with his phone when you are near, then you probably have all the reasons to be worried.
If you try talking to him about it, he will get defensive and might attack you for being paranoid and jealous. Ie: he is gaslighting you.
Don’t let him fool you with his words, instead keep an open mind and watch his actions.
#7: He Is Only Hot When He Wants Sex From You
Let’s face this one too. Men are the sweetest, loving creatures when they want to get laid.
Why men go hot and cold is not as hard to reveal when we talk about his sexual attraction towards you.
When he wants to have sex with you, he is the most attentive, caring and loving gentleman, but he turns cold immediately when he needs to invest more into your relationship.
It’s brutal, but this is one of the most common scenarios that we have to deal with.
It almost feels like you are not talking about the same guy, right?
When he wants to get physical nearness, he is your prince charming, and when you are asking him for a commitment, then he’s ghosting you.
#8: He Changed His Mind
Please, don’t beat yourself up over this one.
It really hurts, but you might want to look at this option as well.
You started dating, everything was blossoming, he was making you happy, and then BOOM, his feelings faded out.
It’s not because you are not attractive or because you are boring.
He just changed his mind and realized that you are not the right girl for him.
There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague? CLICK Here to discover what these 7 signs are.
How to Inspire Him to Stop Going Hot And Cold?
- Keep your dignity, don’t cling to him.
- Use high value banter to test him. High value banter is a game changer, and has helped so many women weed out the wrong kinds of men. CLICK here to discover why you as a woman need to use the dark art of “High Value Banter” in order to quickly weed out the wrong types of men and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”! (…Even if no man has ever given you any love and all you’ve encountered so far are pen pals, ghosts, booty calls, and incredible duds!)
- Let him know how you feel about his hot & cold games, and feel free to share your feelings. However, never chase the guy.
Yes, you can tell him how you feel and disagree with him, but never be aggressive with him or beg him to stop his actions.
If you explain to him why you don’t like his games, there is a big chance that he will hear you out and eventually change his behavior (unless he’s a narcissist or a sociopath). - Do NOT panic when he turns Mr. Ice, it might be just his way of attracting you more.
- Keep living your life, don’t obsess with his actions. Sometimes men don’t even know why they play hot & cold.
- Feel free to mirror his actions. This doesn’t mean to become the mean woman who acts back out of revenge, it just means you’re showing him that what he does has a negative effect on others.
Sometimes the only way to learn something is by putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes, so maybe he should see how it feels.
Stef Z is an Ecuador based writer dedicated to community work, writing, and theater. She’s dedicating most of her time helping women go through difficult breakups, domestic violence, as well learn the secret language of men.