The dating game can be disheartening when a guy acts interested and then backs off.
It’s important to understand the reasons why guys do this and what you can do to maintain your value as well as feel powerful in the situation.
So why do guys act interested then back off? Here are a few quick reasons why:
- He couldn’t feel your femininity
- He’s not serious about you
- He was love bombing you
- You didn’t give him easy sex (so he’s backing off now, because that’s not what he wanted)
- He feels insecure or afraid
- He isn’t feeling ready for a serious, committed relationship yet
- He’s been hurt before; or
- He needs more time to process everything that’s happened in your relationship
- He fears that you are too good for him
- He’s just not that into you
MORE: Why Men Lose Interest: 11 Reasons Why.
When A Guy Acts Interested And Then Back Off: Exploring The 7 Reasons Guys Back Off
#1: He Couldn’t Feel Your Femininity
I don’t mean to frame this as if it’s all your fault, because it absolutely isn’t. In every relationship there are two parties.
However, there’s one truth we cannot ignore, and that is that in this modern goal-oriented and insensitive world, it’s becoming harder and harder for women to show up as a truly feminine soul – even if they are really feminine at their core.
And men feel this!
They are not stupid and men who are masculine will not want to invest in a very masculine woman, because they already have all of that masculine energy and capability within themselves.
There’s simply no value for masculine men in pursuing a relationship with a masculine woman.
There’s definitely value in pursuing you for sex, but not for a relationship.
And this is what is actually happening oftentimes when a guy acts interested then backs away: he’s simply responding to your energy.
That may be a more masculine energy or it may just be that he can’t feel your energy at all, because you may be so overworked and disconnected from yourself, others and your emotions that you on’t feel much.
And when you don’t feel much, there’s nothing for him to commit to.
MORE: How to Get Him to Commit to You.
So you need to ensure that you make some time to allow yourself to be feminine and connect to your feminine core.
On that note, would you like to discover how naturally feminine you are at your core? You can do that with our free quiz.
#2: He’s Not Serious About You
When a guy was never really serious about you, he’ll act interested and then back off when the going gets tough.
This could be when you try to define what your relationship is with him, it could be when you start talking about having kids or when it feels like your relationship is getting too close for comfort.
Basically, he’s not ready to commit and wants to avoid committing any more than the bar minimum in order to get what he wants.
By the way, you can also figure out how likely it is that this man will commit to a serious relationship with you in the future by taking our free quiz:
#3: He Was Love Bombing You
Love bombing is when a guy showers you with affection, compliments and attention when he first meets you, in a way that’s just too much for the beginning of a relationship.
This can make it seem like he’s head over heels for you when in actual fact, he was just using it as a tactic to win you over.
Once he’s got what he wanted from you, he will disappear as if there was never anything between you.
This can leave you feeling really low and vulnerable. Which is why it’s extremely important to slow things down with a guy, and test him.
Always be testing a man’s true intent to find out what he wants from you.
The smartest way to test a guy is to use high value banter – and right from the beginning.
Banter, when done with playful intent, will weed out the toxic and low value men very quickly.
Why is that?
Because it introduces spontaneity and unpredictability into the interactions with a man which exposes the low value and toxic men.
Players, toxic men and narcissistic men cannot tolerate the spontaneity, because it reveals them – it blows their cover, if you will.
The playfulness of banter also ensures that men with anger issues and who seek to control you (to your detriment) are put on their back foot and unable to play their usual manipulative “game” with you.
So it’s essential that you start using banter when dating guys. Banter also builds emotional attraction with the “BEST” of men.
If you want some FREE examples of banter that you can copy and paste today, take our free high value banter class:
CLICK here to discover why you as a woman need to use the dark art of “High Value Banter” in order to quickly weed out the wrong types of men and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”! (…Even if no man has ever given you any love and all you’ve encountered so far are pen pals, ghosts, booty calls, and incredible duds!)
Don’t know what the dark feminine art of “High Value Banter” is? CLICK to find out.
#4: You Didn’t Give Him Easy Sex
If you didn’t give him what he wanted when it came to sex, he may take that to mean you’re a bad candidate to pursue sex with, so he abruptly pulls away before you have a chance to get more attached.
He may not have been looking for a serious relationship in the first place but just wanted to hook up with you and when that didn’t work out, he backed away.
A lot of men prefer to seek easy sex, and if that’s their mindset, you won’t be able to compete with the women who are willing to have sex with him at the drop of a hat.
#5: He Feels Insecure or Afraid
Sometimes when a guy feels insecure or afraid, it can cause him to pull away to avoid feeling embarrassed or regretful.
Related: 10 Shocking Signs He Regrets Sleeping With You.
It could be that he’s scared he’s not enough for you or just doesn’t feel ready for something more substantial yet.
He may be trying to protect himself from being judged by you by keeping his distance and backing off when things get too demanding on his time and energy.
#6: He Isn’t Ready for A Serious, Committed Relationship Yet
Some guys are just not ready for a serious, committed relationship when they start dating you.
Let’s be real though – most men aren’t ready full stop.
And if they say they are in the beginning, a lot of the times, it’s not real.
They may enjoy your company and be attracted to you but when things start getting more serious, they pull away because they don’t feel ready yet.
Having said that, sometimes the men who are initially appear the least ready for a committed relationship can commit swiftly and beautifully to the RIGHT woman.
That’s the key: you need to help him see that you are the right woman.
And you can help him see you as the right woman and devote himself to you by using ONE specific emotional trigger that is within all masculine men.
#7: He’s Been Hurt Before
Sometimes when a guy has been hurt before, he may back off pretty quickly and abruptly.
Instinctively he may want to pursue you, but deep down inside he is feeling scared of being hurt all over again.
And this fear will make him pull back, even if he likes you.
He may be scared of being hurt in a way that’s worse than the last time.
Of course, the closer he gets to you, the more this fear rears its ugly head. So don’t blame yourself – sometimes guys have just been burned before!
Recommended reading: 10 Agonizing Signs Show How Guys Act When They Are Hurt Emotionally.
#8: He Needs More Time to Process Everything That’s Happened in The Relationship
Sometimes when a guy is overwhelmed by the intensity of yours or his feelings in the relationship, he may back off to take some time out and process what’s happening.
He may need some space to think things through and make sure that this is something that he really wants before taking the plunge.
#9: He Fears That You Are Too Good for Him
Sometimes when a guy is feeling insecure and inadequate, he may back off because he fears that you are just too good for him.
He may start to feel like he’s not worthy of you or that you’re out of his league.
And when this kind of behavior occurs, it’s a kind of self sabotage.
In other words, he’ll pull away after chasing you because he doesn’t feel like he can actually keep you long term, and nor is he worthy of keeping you.
#10: He’s Just Not That Into You
Sometimes when a guy is just not that into you, he’ll pull away when things start getting serious or when he starts to feel like he’s being pressured into giving you more than he wants to give.
He may also have lost interest in you and is looking for an easy way out of the relationship without hurting your feelings too much.
Bottom line:
If a guy is truly into you, you’ll feel it.
Even if he’s emotionally unavailable or has a fear of intimacy (intimacy issues), you’ll feel him trying to do his best to make you happy or connect to your feelings.
In other words, you’ll feel that he’s willing to at least try to be vulnerable to you in a relationship.
But if there’s none of that at all, if you sense that he’s not willing to be vulnerable to you at all emotionally, or that he’s not willing to invest in you and share his money, time and problem solving skills with you, then, I am sorry to say it, but he’s just not that into you.
Now you know why a guy may pull away so suddenly after showing interest, let’s look deeply at what you can do when a guy acts interested then backs off.
Signs He’s Lost Interest
Let’s get clear on some of the signs he is actually losing interest in you just quickly.
1. He’s suddenly withdrawn and distant
If he’s maintaining distance from you and it lasts two weeks or more, then it’s likely that he has lost interest.
Unless he’s going through something traumatic or life changing, two weeks is a super long time to be withdrawn and distant from you.
No guy who is still interested in you would leave it longer than two weeks – unless you’ve hurt him deeply, he’s mastering the art of meditation in India or doing a no talking retreat in Thailand.
MORE: Am I Overthinking Or Is He Losing Interest? 12 Questions to Help You Know For Sure.
2. He stops initiating contact with you
Initiation of contact should feel natural and reciprocal. So if it’s not, then beware: he may have lost interest in you.
3. He cancels plans or is always too busy to hang out
This is a big sign of a lack of commitment towards you.
If you make plans and he never shows up, then he’s not into you.
Worse still; if you get the feeling that he says yes to plans with you only to cancel them because a better option came along – you should move on.
4. His texts seem shorter and monosyllabic
Ah, the monosylabic text. Gotta love it.
If he is sending you one worded texts consistently over one to two weeks or longer, he’s probably trying to let you down slowly.
Take the hint he’s giving you, move on and have the courage to ask for more in life.
5. His body language has changed (no eye contact, arms crossed)
The mouth can lie, but the body betrays those lies quite clearly. And you’ll notice the lies if you’re truly listening.
If he is often turning his back to you, walking away when he sees you coming near or avoiding eye contact with you, that means he wants to move on from you.
Six Powerful Things to do When A Guy Acts Interested And Then Backs Off
When a guy acts interested then backs off, it’s important to take the right actions and these are some powerful things you can do when this happens.
1. Take Some Space
Give him the space he needs by stepping back and taking a break from initiating contact.
This will give him the opportunity to come back to you when he’s ready and also allow you to focus on yourself.
2. Spend Time With Family And Friends
Spending quality time with friends can help when a guy acts interested then backs off.
Your family and friends will be another source of valuable connection during this time. Provided you have a good relationship with them to begin with.
Having a good support system is key when dealing with any kind of emotional turbulence, so get out there and talk to your family and friends when it feels right.
It’s ok to ask for help and a shoulder to cry on.
3. Stay Open To The Possibility Of Reconciliation
It’s important to stay open when a guy acts interested then backs off, and not do what a lot of women do which is get really nasty and try to hurt the guy.
Don’t close yourself off to the possibility that things may change and he may come back when he’s ready; remain hopeful while you take care of yourself and focus on your own needs.
How long should to stay open to the possibility of reconciliation for?
No more than 2-3 weeks.
Once it gets to three weeks, your relationship is truly on the out.
Of course there will be exceptions. But you will know it’s an exception in your gut due to him already showing signs of having been deeply emotionally committed to you and in love in the past.
4. If Applicable, Communicate Your Needs
Sometimes when a guy chases you and then pulls away, it can be because of miscommunication.
If you feel that your needs aren’t being met or respected, voice them respectfully and without the intent to punish him.
This will help to create trust and understanding between you both and may bring the two of you closer together again.
5. Reframe the situation From Negative to Positive
When a guy acts interested then backs off, try to reframe the situation in a positive light.
The truth is, there’s something new to learn even from the most painful situations. And if this guy pulls away forever, there definitely are deeper insights that you can gain throughout the process (no matter how difficult it is).
So try to see it as an opportunity for:
- Deeper understanding of men
- More awareness of what your heart truly wants and needs
- Self growth; and
- Self-reflection to learn more about your patterns of behaving when getting close to a guy (and whether these patterns are conducive to a successful relationship or whether they just work to push a guy further away from you)
If you’d like to read his mind and understand men on a world class level, read this article on The 5 Universal Truths About Men & FAQ.
Also, you can use this time to understand what men see as value in dating and relationships by trying out our popular course “Understanding Men”.
(The promise of this course is for you discover the secrets of the masculine perspective so that you can get through to any man, connect with him heart to heart, and inspire his deepest loyalty and commitment.)
6. Appreciate Yourself
Above all else, when a guy acts interested then backs off, appreciate yourself.
- Celebrate the wonderful things you bring to the table
- Write down all the good parts about yourself and then speak them out loud in front of a mirror
- Appreciate all that you work hard for
- Honour the delicateness of your feminine soul. Because it needs to be seen, loved and appreciated. And if you can do that, you can also inspire a man to appreciate you, your femininity and how vulnerable you are, thereby inspiring him to commit to you more through that vulnerability
- Show yourself kindness when times are tough
Final Words
When a guy acts interested then backs off, remember that you are still worthy, strong and capable.
Whatever the reason behind his actions may be, always act high value and with self respect when handling any situation.
Put yourself first and don’t be afraid to ask for help when needed.
It’s ok to stay open when it comes to reconciliation but make sure not push it over three weeks.
If applicable, communicate your needs respectfully; reframe the situation as an opportunity for deeper understanding of men, develop more awareness of what your heart truly wants and needs; see it as an opening for self growth and self-reflection; and appreciate yourself above all else.
Penny is a writer and part time dating coach. She lives in Brisbane, Queensland with the love of her life, their two daughters and their three dogs. Penny is passionate about helping women realize their high value and harness the innate feminine energy that they were born with.