“What does he want?”
It’s the question every woman has wondered at some point when starting to date a guy.
The problem is that what he says is often incomplete, untrue or confusing.
Here’s how to sift through what he does or doesn’t say and know what he really wants with you.
When you have a chance to have a heart-to-heart with this guy, choose from this list of eight questions.
These are the best questions to ask a guy to know his intentions.
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#1. “What are your dreams for the future?”
This is one of the top questions to ask a guy to know his intentions.
The reason it’s better to use “dreams” instead of “plans” here is that dreams are much more positive and open.
Plans sounds like you are talking about next year’s marketing strategy for your upholstery business or something.
Keep it light.
Asking what he’s looking for and other typical questions is honestly useless and even counterproductive.
What a guy is or is not looking for is much less important than what he’s looking for with you.
And in order to find that out, you’re going to want to get to know him better and suss out what kind of man you’re dealing with.
Step one? Find out what pumps him up, what he wants in the future and where he’s steering his ship.
Does he want to run a llama farm in Peru and have a big happy family, or trade stocks in Chicago and keep enjoying life at trendy parties?
Is he looking to get more adventurous and travel the world while on his motorbike or does he have a dream to open a quiet art gallery in Nantucket?
Maybe something completely different! Ask him and find out…
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#2. “Who do you look up to?”
The next of the genius questions to ask a guy to know his intentions is about his role models.
Ask him who he looks up to and loves. He may say a family member, sports star, celebrity or even a friend.
He might turn it into a joke.
Either way, this is going to give you a better feel for what kind of guy you’re spending time with.
Is he more on the serious side or more full of humor?
Does he look up to somebody who’s more of a traditional, family person or somebody who has more of a freewheeling, sleeping-around lifestyle?
How does the person he look up to potentially reflect some views about relationships, sex, commitment and romance that he may have?
Sure, don’t read too much into it. But at the same time, don’t read nothing into it!
Who we admire says a lot about us! (Although I never did become a star hockey player after all, despite my childhood dreams of icy glory).
#3. “Are you the jealous type?”
If I ask someone whether they have a bad temper or lie, it’s kind of stupid.
After all, an angry guy is going to claim he’s a peaceful baby and a major liar will claim he’s Gandhi.
But asking a guy if he’s jealous can be revealing.
This is one of the smartest questions to ask a guy to know his intentions.
The reason is this:
Watch his emotional response. If it’s over messages, see the tone of his response.
Is he fairly rational about it or admits that sometimes he’s a bit possessive or does he claim to be 100% non-jealous to the extent of almost too-good-to-be-true?
If it’s the latter you have a bit of a red flag. If things do get serious, your perfect non-jealous guy is quite likely to transform into the Incredibly Jealous Hulk.
#4. “What’s your take on monogamy?”
I’ve met quite a few people these days who like to whine about monogamy.
I even had a former coworker go on a rant to me about how wedding rings are a symbol of a cuff like a manocle.
I pointed out to her that most interpretations I’ve heard are that wedding rings are symbols of eternity and a lifelong commitment.
There are all sorts of folks on dating apps and in person who talk about open relationships or how they hate the “ownership” idea of relationships.
OK, interesting, so what is their ideal? What type of relationships are they into?
Polygamy? Polyandry? Polyamory? Non-monogamy? Something ongoing and “casual,” perhaps a friends with benefits scenario?
This doesn’t have to turn into what he’s looking for with you, which can get really awkward and is likely to lead to the guy dancing around the question.
Instead make it more about his thoughts on monogamy on a philosophical level.
Does he think it’s legit or more or less a scam or unrealistic?
This can tell you a lot about what to expect with this guy in a potentially more serious dating scenario.
One thing to note here is that there are a certain subset of the male population who are very good at presenting the right image and saying all the right things.
Yes, they’ll even claim they hate polyamory or multiple partners, just to gain access to into your panties.
The best thing to do to weed these sociopathic types out is to put them on their backfoot using high value banter.
We call it the dark feminine art of high value banter.
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#5. “Hookups can be cool, don’t you think?”
This one is a trap, of course, but it’s a really clever question for a guy to suss out where he’s at in his intentions towards you.
By framing it in a way that suggests you are cool or relaxed about hookups, you give him ample space to expose how much of a f—boy he is (or not).
If he is a bit on the uncomfortable side or doesn’t agree, then he either knows it’s a trick question or he legitimately isn’t into the idea of casual sex.
That being said, if you are looking more for something casual, feel free to frame this in the opposite direction.
“A serious relationship can be really rewarding, don’t you think?”
If he’s too much of a downer on that one, then he may be trying to get in the same casual boat as you.
The power of reverse psychology never fails!
Of course, I won’t finish off this point without saying that as a woman, you should beware of casual sex situations. A lot of women think casual sex is harmless. But is it actually harmless?
#6. “What aren’t you looking for?”
Next up in the cleverest questions to ask a guy to know his intentions is to ask him what he’s not looking for.
Yes, what he’s not looking for.
And basically what he doesn’t see value in.
Even if his actual answer is not extremely useful, this question is very good for several reasons:
Firstly, it shows you what he feels strongly about by getting him to talk more about what he doesn’t like.
Secondly, it shows what he’s most open to by ruling out what he’s most closed off too.
Of course we all know people change their minds once they get serious with someone or fall in love.
But finding out what he doesn’t want or what rubs him the wrong way in a relationship will be very helpful for you and help you in potentially dating this guy.
Most guys have pet peeves and things they see as low value, but there are also universal things that guys see as low value in a woman, and you should avoid these behaviors if you are looking for something serious with a guy.
There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?
(Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
#7. “What does ‘dating’ mean to you?”
The term dating is quite vague if you think about it.
What does the term mean to him?
Does he think a couple should be clear on being exclusive early on, or should they be patient and take the pressure off for at least a few months?
Is he cool with you dating other guys at the start of you seeing each other, or is it important to him to know you’re all in early on?
What does he think about things like living together in an unmarried relationship?
(I’m personally not a fan at all, despite having been strongly pressured by most of my acquaintances and family to think the idea is acceptable and preferable to moving in after marriage).
You can find out a lot about what he thinks and why, by asking these kinds of questions.
It’s perfectly understandable if he talks about being exhausted about dating or finding it hollow.
You’re probably feeling that way too. I think we all are.
But by getting to know him at this really direct level, you can find out a lot more about how seriously you can take this guy and whether he might be a potential boyfriend or husband.
#8. “Do you think everyone cheats these days?”
I can’t count how many times I’ve heard people say that these days everyone seems to cheat.
It’s one of those statements that many people say kind of as a half-joke and kind of as a real, cynical belief.
Obviously it’s not true. It’s a statement that comes out of deep fear and inability to trust.
I know plenty of couples who do not cheat and I know past relationships where I’m very certain I did not cheat and had no intention to cheat.
Nonetheless, this is one of the best questions to ask a guy to know his intentions.
If he’s skeptical about love ever working out for him, that’s fine.
If he thinks many people cheat, he’s right. The stats back that up.
But if he makes very vague or dramatic statements about “everyone” cheating or makes the claim that men are hardwired to cheat and thus can’t really be blamed for it…
THEN you have a choice to make…
Do you want to date this man-child who thinks men have to do what their impulses tell them because they feel like it?
Or do you want to hold out and meet a man who actually has the ability to keep his pants zipped up when he sees a nice behind walk past him?
Planning A Future Together
Depending on this guy’s answers and the vibe you get from him, you may wish to gradually escalate the relationship and eventually plan a future together.
However, always remember that it takes two to tango.
He needs to feel enough emotional attraction and emotional connection towards you in order to want to commit to you.
Never try to force a guy to commit. Instead, focus on building the emotional attraction in the relationship and let him come to you.
Also, don’t trim yourself to fit his ideal or his intention.
Keep your heart’s desires at the forefront of your mind and stick to them.
You see, if you ignore the fact that you want a deep emotional long term commitment from him, then you could end up being one of those women he keeps around without ever committing to or marrying.
This is what’s called being placed in the ‘one of many’ woman basket.
And once you’re in that basket, you can never get out. You can never be in the second basket (which all men have), which is the ‘one and only’ basket.
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Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
Do Guys Usually Lie About What They’re Looking For?
I would say that it is about half-half and depends a lot on the guy.
I know that I often have lied in the past about what I am looking for. I’m not proud to admit this, but it’s true.
I pretend to be only looking for something casual because I don’t feel a connection when the truth is I am looking for something real.
This is a bad habit I am working on kicking.
It really depends on the man in question. A more mature and self-confident man will tend to tell the truth and let you know up front whether or not he’s into you.
A less mature man or one who is less confident may lie about what he’s looking for in order to chase something casual and avoid being alone, or in order to avoid having to hurt your feelings or have a difficult conversation about not being interested.
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How Common Is Benching?
Benching is unfortunately quite common in our day and age.
This is where a man love bombs you and is very into you at one time and then ghosts or backs off suddenly.
Then a month or two later, he’s back, leaving you dumbfounded about what he really wants.
Here’s the key: he wants you on his “bench” so he can call you and other women in and out of the game as substitute players, and always have some “talent” on hand.
What Are Classic Signs He’s A Player?
Players like to play mind games.
Classic signs of a player are:
- Being hot and cold
- Sending many mixed signals
- Trying to turn your interaction purely sexual
- Playing the victim when he doesn’t get your attention; and
- Trying to make you jealous
Avoid players unless that’s what you want (and make sure not to become a player yourself!)
How Can You Tell If a Guy is Falling for you?
It’s not always easy to tell if a guy is falling for you for real, partly because players have become pros at faking love (even to themselves in many cases).
The best rule of thumb here is that less is more.
A guy who is love bombing you like crazy and going over the top is either desperate to an unhealthy extent or faking it.
A mature and high value man who’s falling for you for real is going to be restrained but show lots of important small signs that he cares about you for real and wants something serious.
Now over to you. Have you got any questions to ask a guy to know his intentions? If you do, share them below.
If you have any more questions you’d like to be answered, simply write them below!
Author footprint: Paul Rowan Brian is a freelance journalist, author and writer from Canada. He’s written for Ideapod, Hack Spirit and Love Connection and is focused on culture, relationships and self-development. You can follow him on Twitter @paulrbrian.