Are you suspicious that your boyfriend or husband might be sleeping with someone else?
It’s an awful feeling, but what makes it even worse is that you’re worried you could accuse him and turn out to be wrong, torching the relationship in the process.
Is he sleeping with someone else or is it just in your head?
Here’s how to know for sure if he’s bumping booties with someone else.
Here’s how to tell…
#1. He’s not very into sex with you anymore
One of the top physical signs he is sleeping with someone else is that he’s just not into sex with you anymore.
That doesn’t mean that the only reason he’s not sleeping with you anymore is because he’s sleeping with someone else though.
He could also just be experiencing intense stress, reactions to medication, erectile dysfunction (ED) or be losing attraction for you in general.
However, much of the time a loss of interest in sex with you correlates with an affair he’s having with someone else.
If you notice that he’s no longer interested in bedroom fun, be cautious.
It’s far from proof of anything, but it’s a common sign that he’s getting his sexual satisfaction from another source.
#2. He’s sweaty or a bit wet when he meets you
What happens when people have sex?
In many cases they get sweaty. Then after the deed is done, they shower or at least wash their face and comb a hand through their hair briefly.
The result? Wetness.
One of the most conclusive physical signs he is sleeping with someone else is that he often comes home sweaty or looking like he just had a shower.
The humidity and steam is practically still rising off him and you can smell the Dove and the body spray from a mile away.
Well, so what?
The classic excuse here is that he will tell you he was at the gym.
If so, great.
Just be advised that if he’s showing up around you sweaty or freshly-showered on a regular basis it could be the result of some intense sex sessions, not bicep curls.
And if you’re really doubting whether your guy is genuine or just a player who’s sleeping around, you should take our quiz to figure out exactly how commitment-friendly he is:
#3. He looks guilty when you try to make eye contact
Among the most important physical signs he is sleeping with someone else is the issue of eye contact.
Some men feel no guilt over cheating or justify it to themselves.
But for many guys, a lingering sense of having betrayed their partner holds on when they have an affair, especially if they still love her to some extent.
This shows up in their lack of eye contact, a look of guilt or as if they’re hiding something when you do look at them.
They may quickly look away, go red in the face, be short of breath or stumble over their words.
It just seems like the guy has been busted stealing or something, but technically nothing is wrong.
This doesn’t prove he was cheating, but it’s a very conclusive sign that he’s hiding something and it might well be a sexual affair.
Of course, if you are the anxious type and have trust issues, you can blow this out of proportion in your own head, so be careful with accusations.
You might not want to act on emotion too much, at least not until you have conclusive and objective evidence to prove that he’s cheating.
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#4. He is inexplicably absent a lot
The timeless excuse of a cheating man is that he’s working late.
This can be true in some cases. But many times it’s the perfect cover for bending a stranger over a desk or a hotel bed.
I hate to say it, but if your guy is inexplicably absent a lot and not interested in sex with you then it’s time to start putting the pieces together.
If it’s just a few nights working late, that may be a real crisis at work or other things that come up.
But when it becomes a pattern of him constantly being absent, or saying he’s doing something away from home and then being gone for much longer?
He’s probably cheating on you.
#5. He smells of perfume and another laundry detergent
How does your man smell?
If he smells like laundry soap you’ve never used or another woman’s perfume, then you have pretty hard proof he’s been doing the dirty with another lady.
The excuses he comes up with on this type of issue are the stuff of soap operas or sitcoms.
What guy is reasonably going to claim he smells like Dial Extra Tropical scent or Chanel perfume when you use neither?
Meanwhile he comes home all flustered looking like a half-drowned kitten who went for a bath in the stuff?
It’s not just in movies and shows where guys get busted for cheating because they smell of the woman they were with.
It’s very much a real life thing, and it’s one of those mistakes that even the most seasoned cheater makes when they’re in a hurry or lose track of hiding their trail of infidelity.
This is about as close as you’re likely to get to a hard gotcha for catching your guy running around on you.
#6. He’s showing negative cluster cues
If you’re looking for physical signs he is sleeping with someone else, keep an eye out for negative cluster cues.
What are those, you may ask?
Well, they are small physical signs that he’s not comfortable with you and potentially sleeping with someone else.
As relationship writer Sarah Shulman explains for INSIDER:
“Negative cluster cues can be your partner moving away when you try to go near, rubbing their back, scratching their eyes, or crossing their arms.
Just one of these cues may not mean much, but a whole bunch of these behaviours occurring together can mean your partner is avoiding you.”
Does seeing a number of negative cluster cues mean for sure your partner is having sex with someone else?
No, but things are definitely not looking promising here.
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#7. The more you question his behavior, the more avoidant he becomes
It’s important to establish one thing here:
Psychologists have said that statistically, people with avoidant attachment styles are more likely to cheat, and to have more sexual partners.
So, if your partner seems prone to cheating behaviors, you may have an avoidant on your hands.
You may have noticed this subconsciously just by being in a relationship with him.
Perhaps he avoids conflicts all the time, can’t talk about his emotions, can’t get truly intimate with you, and won’t let you in emotionally and mentally.
If you’ve experienced this with him in the past, and you now suspect him of cheating, then you’re going to be upset and wanting answers.
Due to you being upset, your behavior now is likely going to feel even more suffocating and overwhelming for him as an avoidant.
As such, he will become even more avoidant with you, and you will notice this in his habits and body language.
This can look like:
- Pushing you further away and more intensely with repulsive or abusive behavior
- Being extremely cold and separate
- Blaming you for things you didn’t realize were even an issue
- Stopping their normal contact habits with you
- Spending more time escaping your relationship with addictions when he is home, like: smoking, drinking, drugs, etc
- Making you feel guilty for having any emotions
- Making it impossible for you to share any feelings
Needless to say, if you’re someone who has an insecure attachment style (anxious attachment style for example), you will become hyper vigilant with a guy who is cheating on you.
Especially if he’s an avoidant who is cheating on you.
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#8. He’s on top of the world … for no reason
Another of the top physical signs he is sleeping with someone else is a sudden spring in his step for no apparent reason.
Well, maybe your man is just having a super day. If so, congrats.
But when you need to start getting suspicious is when you notice a pattern of these very “up” moods.
Does he seem to be especially euphoric and relaxed after coming home a bit late every Friday night?
Is he giving you the cold shoulder and not even talking at all but suddenly all jokes and easygoing after being out “grocery shopping” in the afternoon?
That must have been a really satisfying trip to the grocery store!
He’s like a brand new man. Maybe he went for a manicure or something?
#9. He’s acting super horned up and later in the day he’s ultra mellow
Another of the subtler but very conclusive physical signs he is sleeping with someone else is a rapid ebb and flow of sexual interest.
You may find that he’s very sexually excited or wanting to have sex at one time of the day or week, but later this undergoes a marked shift.
He’s suddenly not that into sex and says he’s tired, or he just “isn’t feeling it” anymore.
Could it be that when he went to get that oil change earlier that lasted for two hours, he also went and did some other highly-lubricated activities?
I’d say that if we were to shake an eight ball right now it would say:
All signs point to yes.
#10. His sexual behavior and peccadillos completely change
When it comes to physical signs he is sleeping with someone else is that he’s a different man in bed.
He’s suddenly into completely new positions or has a bizarre fetish that comes out of nowhere.
Alternately, he may criticize or praise things about you and your sexual habits that he never even noticed before.
What’s brought out this brand new side of him?
Has he just been watching more PG-rated sex instructional videos on YouTube about how to please his woman or trying something new in bed?
Or has he been getting a little bit more “hands-on” practice?
I would suggest shaking the eight ball again here, but I don’t want him to stick anything somewhere strange and violate it, so let’s leave the eight ball alone for now.
#11. He guards his phone like the nuclear launch codes
Being a little protective of our phones is normal. They’re increasingly expensive and contain so much of our personal and professional lives.
But one of the unfortunate physical signs he is sleeping with someone else is that he guards his phone like it contains the nuclear launch codes.
When you walk in a room he orients the screen noticeably away from you…
When you ask to borrow his phone he turns into a hissing Gollum from the Lord of the Rings and begins getting very defensive and red in the face.
Mighty curious, isn’t it?
Maybe this guy is actually a spy and just doesn’t want you to bust his cover.
Should we consult the magic eight ball once again?
I don’t think that will be necessary in this case.
#12. He’s a brand new man
I mentioned earlier about noticing your guy having an inexplicable spring in his step randomly.
Another of the subtle but important physical signs he is sleeping with someone else is that he’s a brand new man.
His style is on point, he’s grooming himself to the utmost, he’s sculpting that facial hair, getting his hair styled in very handsome ways…
Those new shoes look like a million bucks and are probably why he claims to be so broke all the time these days…
As for his new scents and his evolving taste in wine and many other things?
They could well be the side-effect of a grand phallic adventure that he’s been on.
#13. The home-shower pipeline
Earlier I wrote about the physical sign of him being sweaty when he comes home or looking like he just showered.
A related but crucial point is when he comes home and seems to be almost running directly to the shower.
I call this the home-shower pipeline.
The physical signs he is sleeping with someone else can be hard to spot at first, but if you’re observant and have attention to detail, you will notice.
After all, maybe he just likes coming home and showering right away without even giving you a peck on the cheek.
Yes, or maybe he’s been laying pipe and now he wants to get the piping hot water flowing down the shower pipe and onto his nasty cheating body.
#14. He becomes weirdly over nice and touchy
Another of the disturbing indicators that he’s sleeping around is when he becomes overly nice.
Why would this be, you might wonder?
It’s because some people’s reaction to guilt is to overcompensate.
Somewhere in his twisted morality he thinks that he can stop feeling so guilty if he is just really nice to you, buys you little gifts, gives you backrubs and tells you how much he loves you.
This is a lame move but it’s unfortunately very common.
Men will pretend to love you just to keep you around.
Understand that even if a man cheats on you, it doesn’t mean he won’t want to keep you in his life!
But just because he still wants you around, doesn’t mean that he truly loves you, it just means he’s rather keep you around for the prospect of sex and company in the future.
The only way you will know that a man is completely into you and committed to you emotionally, is if he’s in love with you.
Because when a man is genuinely in love with you and has formed a pair bond with you, then he will be emotionally attached and not ever want to hurt you.
You will be his ‘one and only’ woman, not the ‘one of many’ woman, whom he could easily cheat on and simply give crumbs to.
#15. He becomes oddly confrontational and avoidant
On the flipside, sometimes cheating men become much more confrontational.
As their guilt spills over, they also subconsciously seek a justification for pulling the plug on the relationship.
After all, if you fight a lot and never talk, then why bother to stay together?
This is basically the same as buying a shirt and then tearing up bits of it so you can return it and claim that the shirt was shitty quality in the first place.
He’s just trying to justify his own cheating and make his rejection and betrayal of you seem OK to him.
It’s not. And you shouldn’t believe it’s acceptable for one moment.
If he’s cheating then all the fights in the world that he starts are still his fault and you have a right to defend yourself.
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What do you do now?
The above physical signs he is sleeping with someone else will help you know for sure whether he’s been sleeping around.
For your sake, I hope the answer is no!
But if the answer is yes, remember to always put yourself and your values first.
Cheating should be a red line if you ask me, and it’s not something that should be easily forgiven nor forgotten!
The trust is seriously broken. Not to mention the trauma you may feel and the anxiety that may flood your body and your life for years to come after being cheated on.
But remember: just because one guy cheated on you, doesn’t mean every guy will!
Author footprint: Paul Rowan Brian is a freelance journalist, author and writer from Canada. He’s written for Ideapod, Hack Spirit and Love Connection and is focused on culture, relationships and self-development. You can follow him on Twitter @paulrbrian.