All my life I had felt rejected and looked over. I found love and acceptance by being lured and chased, but there was a price. I grew up in what seemed from the outside to be a normal, middle-class, Christian family. I was the younger of two children, always in the shadow of my older sister. My father, always working, never seemed to be home. My parents, being completely opposite in how to raise me, were in constant turmoil when my father was at home. They provided me with a ridiculous amount of toys to play with, but never their time or attention. Since I feared confrontation, I usually stayed away from the house as much as possible.
I never quite fit in with others and didn’t really have any friends. My parents switched me to a private school, and right away, the boys made it clear that I was not wanted. Because of I wasn’t sure of myself, I was called names like queer, sissy, and I was given the nickname McGay. My family went to church every Sunday as good Baptists do; however, my parents never discussed religion or church. I became one of the most involved kids at church and was there every time the doors were open.
From an early age, I looked at other boys with envy. I had such a low self esteem and it seemed I could never do anything right. I had wondered if I was gay, since so many people were saying I was. I remember my father talking to me about sex for the first time: I was fourteen and distanced from puberty. His words were, “If you’re going to have sex, you should use protection, and if you are going to masturbate, be careful because it is very addictive.” It was a little late for that.
When I was fifteen, my parents got divorced. Going back and forth between the two extremes of both parents, I decided to move out when I was eighteen. A couple of years later, I found that a neighbor of mine was gay. He soon showed me all that the gay life had to offer. After spending my first night with him, the next day and the following week, I was a wreck. I had never been so confused and my body was telling me that this was what I had always wanted, and my mind and soul was telling me that this was wrong.
My neighbor quickly introduced me to all the pornography I could handle, and even took me to the local gay bar. I had never experienced such feelings. When I walked in the room, all eyes were on me. I was instantly addicted; all the attention and acceptance I had ever wanted was there for the taking. The euphoria did not last long. I soon went from one relationship to another, trying to fill a huge void in my life that was very real. I simply wanted to be loved and accepted, but all I was getting was being used.
My friends who were in the lifestyle would mention it as the unforgivable sin; I had sure hoped not. Often times, I would ponder on the hope that I would be able to ask for forgiveness before I died. I wasn’t so sure that I wanted to grow old with another man, or even worse, alone, giving up all hopes of a family. A friend of mine, Roy, and his wife Deneen and I were in a business together. She was pregnant at the time and it caused me to think of family. One evening, Deneen, not knowing I was gay, asked me if I would ever want to get married and have children. I didn’t know how to answer.
Soon after this question, we three of us went away on a weekend business trip. That Sunday we attended a church service. People told of trials that they had been through, and how God had always been there to bring them through. I remember as we sang praise songs, seeing hope and peace in people’s eyes. This was the hope and peace that I was searching for so desperately. At the conclusion of service, I was the first person to accept the invitation and on February 24, 1991, I became a born again Christian. I realized the void I had been trying to fill could only be filled by Christ.
When I got back, I wrote and told all of my friends in the lifestyle of my new relationship with Christ, and that I could never go back to that way of life. I proceeded to throw away all of my pornography and anything that I had received from my past relationships with other men. I didn’t know how I would follow Christ out of homosexuality, I just knew that I would; no matter what the cost. I began praying for the wife that I believed God had planned for me. I knew He would complete this work that He had begun in my life.
I heard of a local Exodus ministry and got involved. I was reading my bible, going to church, and reading every book on homosexuality that I could get my hands on. I knew that I was not born this way. In Genesis chapter one the bible tells us that God created male and female, and that He created us in His own image. So, if I wasn’t born this way, then I had learned it; and I could learn my way out of it. As long as I depended on Christ, I knew there was a way out.
I began learning to develop healthy relationships with other men, realizing that this is what I had needed all along. Through developing a relationship with Christ, and with a few godly men, I was able to fill many of my needs. I found what I was looking for embodied in the man named Jesus. Five years after leaving the lifestyle, I met a woman named Julie at the church I was attending. She was beautiful, and I couldn’t understand why she was interested in me, but luckily for me she was. We dated and were engaged for about a year, and married each other on January 27, 1996. Since then God has blessed us with a little boy named Seth McKrae and a precious little girl named Caroline Ansleigh.
In February of 1999, I formed Hope for Wholeness. I had felt God’s call on my life early on in my relationship with Christ. However, it was not until now that God had revealed His will and His timing in this area of my life. I would have never dreamed that the Lord would have brought me so far, and to the point where I am today. I remember back when I was living alone, struggling with thoughts of homosexuality, and what that meant for the rest of my life. I desired so much to have someone to talk to who could steer me in the right direction. It is for this reason that God has brought me to where I am today; that I may lead the way for others to follow, pointing to Christ, all the way.